Babies aren’t who you think they are. Let’s just start there.
They aren’t a younger version of us. They are not the same person from day to day, either. In fact, they aren’t even people, which might come as a surprise
You ever wonder why babies seem to change from day to day? You hear parents say that kind of thing all the time. “He/she just keeps on changing,” they say about junior or juniorette. Well, of course, he/she keeps changing, mom and dad. Duh.
Each night, babies are swapped out for a slightly older version of that model—kind of like an Apple product. (Hint. Hint.)
The newer version of each baby is just barely different from the last. This keeps parents happy because they think their kids are growing and yet the change is not so drastic that it freaks them out. Babies, like Apple computers (hint hint), are good products. They better be. A lot of time and planning was put into them.
This might be hard to believe. It’s especially difficult for moms. When pregnant, they grow and carry around another person, and they assume that those growing people in their bellies and the babies that doctors hand them after all that pushing and breathing are one and the same. HA HA HA HA!
Sure, it seems natural. It makes sense that they would be the same. Or does it?
If you think about it: ten months to make a person? It’s just kind of ridiculous. It takes a lot longer to do something that complicated. Actually, all told it’s 3 years, 4 months, 6 days, and 2 hours and a few minutes give or take. Moms just start the process off. Then those half-baked little bodies come out of their moms and are then kept in the hospital until they are ready to be delivered to their parents at night. The room they’re kept in is kind of like an oven, but not quite. It’s kind of technical, like an Apple. (Hint.)
Another fact about babies: they haven’t been around for that long. They’re kind of a new invention that came out of the fact that so many moms were too impatient to wait for their babies to be fully done. They didn’t like having to put all that effort out only to have to wait for another 3 years, 4 months, etc. Who can blame them?
People think babies are impatient, but if you’ve ever been around a mom after about 8 months of pregnancy, you realize that babies are like Zen monks comparatively speaking. I won’t say it’s the hormones—that would be bad. Moms don’t like that kind of talk, anyways. And you don’t want to make moms mad, which is precisely why “The Factory” came up with the idea of the baby.
So what are babies, exactly?
Have you ever heard any one say that so-and-so baby “is a living doll”? Well, that’s exactly what they are. They’re really well-made dolls. They smell good and they cuddle on command. They are great to look at and they are fun to play with. Doesn’t that remind you of another very popular product? I won’t say it, but you know what I want to say. Look, I’m taking a real risk breaking things down here. But yes, The Factory is in Silicon Valley and Steve Jobs came up with the idea of babies. Haven’t you heard people say that so and so is the apple of his mom’s eye? That and the “living doll” comment. These are all clues. You need to be open to them. I mean, doesn’t it make more sense that Steve Jobs invented babies? He invented a lot of wonderful things in his life, right.
Believe it or not. But I don’t know why you wouldn’t. It certainly seems less crazy that Steve Jobs invented a baby than the other story we’ve been told for years.
I’m going to stop there. You seem upset.
Maybe it’s just better for you to forget I mentioned this. Moms of the world, your babies are yours. You carried them around for 10 months and those strange, wrinkled, ever-changing, ever-pooping, eating and crying individuals that you think are so cute are the same individuals as those fully-formed, talking, people you are taking to pre-school now all these years later.
Just believe that. Sure. It’s better that way. Forget what I said.
